The Roughest of Drafts

The less said about last Tuesday's benefit, Bonner for Obama, the better. I've decided that performing is like being drunk: one is on auto-pilot, doing things only because they seem like a good idea at the time; and one is aware of only one thing at a time outside oneself, and even that thing seems unreal. A most unpleasant sensation.

Against the next show, I'm trying to come up with a theme song; and what more obvious choice than Geo. F. Root's hit from 1862, Battle Cry of Freedom? A rip-snorter, if you put your back into it.

The following lyric is a bit repetitive. While that facilitates memorization, it's also apt to bore the audience, especially with the repetitive tune:

When you feel like getting down,
'Cause Life has got you down,
That's when it's time for Bonner's Boomers;
When you need to add some laugh lines
And jettison the frown,
That's when it's time for Bonner's Boomers!

Chorus:
Sarcastic! Satiric!
Ironic, as well!
Show us your foibles—
We'll give 'em hell.
When you feel like getting down,
'Cause Life has got you down,
That's when it's time for Bonner's Boomers!

When you need a bit of funk,
'Cause you feel you're in a funk,
That's when it's time for Bonner's Boomers;
When you find that Life's absurd
And Philosophy is bunk,
That's when it's time for Bonner's Boomers!

Chorus:
Sarcastic! Satiric!
Ironic, as well!
(Al Gore is dead, Bev.—
How can they tell?)
When you feel like getting down,
'Cause Life has got you down,
That's when it's time for Bonner's Boomers!

Lyric © 2008 Nathaniel DesH. Petrikov

Everyone's Favorite Castration Fantasy

At rehearsal last night, Ron, my DAMP, told me of a new horror flick soon to open, called Teeth.

On my way home, I had a very obvious song idea for it; and this morning, when my offspring brought up the subject again, I thought I'd better bung down a lyric PDQ, so no one could say I didn't think of it myself.

The tune—which is the obvious part—is Hakuna Matata:

Vagina dentata—what a comforting theme!
Vagina dentata ain't no gyno's dream;
The Venus flytrap, carried to an extreme.
Straight from Hollywood,
To please your pud:
Vagina dentata!

Lyric © 2008 Nathaniel DesH. Petrikov

Mind you, I've always found the idea of vagina dentata a pleasing one. Of course, in my mind's eye, the teeth were always my own.

Instant Justice

AP reports that a man in Kokomo, Indiana, accidentally shot himself in the groin as he was robbing a convenience store. (Ahem):

Then let us draw a moral from the criminal
Who shot himself abruptly in the testicle:
Yea, verily! God's justice is majestical.
(See Retribution in your Luth'ran hym-i-nal.)

Retribution being that verse of Friedrich, Freiheirr von Logau, which Longfellow translated as:

Though the mills of God grind slowly,
Yet they grind exceeding small;
Though with patience He stands waiting,
With exactness grinds He all.

Oops

My last post? I take it all back.

The immaculate Nyok Times reports that Hillary won in New Hampshire because she wept. So she's not at all like Ed Muskie, who wept, and therefore lost in New Hampshire. What accounts for the difference, we're told, is that the electorate are less inclined to forgive a woman's exhibiting honest emotion, however calculated it may be, than they are a man's.

Taking into account that the two candidates were divided by a common political party, one realizes that the two events defy comparison.

Still, when you think about it, both are very like a whale.

When the Going Gets Tough . . .

Shades of Ed Muskie: Senator Clinton is reported to be teary-eyed in New Hampshire, under the pressure of what Senator Obama calls his "Big Mo" (or did someone else call it that?). We'll have to wait and see whether history repeats itself at the polls.

Meanwhile, on January 22, I'll be doing a trio of short parodies at a "fundraiser" (ha!) for Senator Obama, to be held at Don't Tell Mama. And if my faithful readers don't see anything funny in that wee announcement, then my faithful readers are very dull, indeed.

Still, anything for publicity. As the granddaddy of American humor said, My perlitical sentiments agree with yourn exactly. I know they do, becaws i never saw a man whose didn't.