Tuesday, December 20, 2005

A Last Hurrah, I Hope

Well, kiddies, Papa's in a Christmas mood, and it's hell.

The other day, friends in Flavortown invited self and issue up to their farm for Christmas dinner, and we accepted.  A four-hour drive each way; and, since the issue will be spending the following week there, a four-hour drive each way the following weekend, as well.  Ah, me.

But I got to thinking about spending Christmas in the car, and wondered whether a parody of Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas might not come of it: something along the lines of Have Yourself a Mobile Little Christmas.  But the thoughts engendered by this nightmarish idea would not be shoehorned into a song that, among other things, calls for two dactylic rhymes (olden days/golden days; dear to us/near to us).  That's the problem with writing song parodies: the limit imposed by form.  Now, one could write an essay about celebrating Yule on wheels; say, something along the lines of Frank Sullivan's The Night the Old Nostalgia Burned Down or Wodehouse's Indoor Golf.  But a song parody?  Nope.

So--I asked myself--how about Have Yourself a Murky Little Christmas?  Nice; but how "murky"?  Answering that would require work, and, being allergic to work, I decided to fall back on a good, old, time-honored joke, as pioneered by Stan Freberg.  The following took only two commutes:

Have yourself a mercenary Christmas;
Cultivate your greed.
Make a list of everything you think you “need.”

Have yourself a mercenary Christmas;
Covet each new toy.
Sidle up to Santa Claus, and don't be coy:

Seize his coattails and beg a gift!
Beg a mega-gift!
Beg four!

Come right out, and demand a lot!
Kiss his hand a lot.
Kiss more.

If you say, "The thought is all that counts," you're
Hang the thought!  It’s avarice that guides us now.
Remind yourself that Christmas is a
Real cash cow.

Lyric © 2005 Nathaniel DesH. Petrikov

God willing, the urge to write sophomoric parodies of Christmas songs will pass with the season.


Blogger ConejoValleyVermin said...

All of the 'old bags' at The Book Bag of T.O. hope you will continue any sophomoric x-mas jingles for our continued amusement....we had tons of fun today singing your parodies with idiotic voices and good cheer......God it's boring selling used books at x-mas time!

8:55 PM  
Blogger ConejoValleyVermin said...

P.S. please drive safely and holiday wishes to you and your issue....I hope you have much good cheer in upstate NY.

8:57 PM  

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