He's Not As Bad A Bart As All That

Some years ago--maybe fifteen--I parodied Lionel Bart's Consider Yourself (again from Oliver!--what else is there?) for a friend's birthday. It began something like this:

Consider yourself
Old hat;
Consider yourself
Mr. Methuselah.

And on and on it went. A nice generic gag, suitable for birthdays, anniversaries and bar mitzvahs, or is it bars mitzvah. He lost his copy (perhaps conveniently), and, for once, I hadn't kept my own, so the parody is lost to the ages. The consequence is that the song has always nettled me slightly: it ought to be parodied, but--all that weary work to do again.

The third anniversary of the invasion of Iraq prompted a fix. A few cherce phrases sprang up on Thursday, and Friday night liberal doses of Campari and soda knitted 'em together into a first chorus:

Consider the War
Half-won.
Consider the rest
Merely formality.
It's going along
Just swell!
We're sure
You're
Wondering how to tell.

Consider the dead:
Not bad!
A coupla thou;
Nothing to bawl about.
Iraqis are free,
And yes!
It's true!
We
Torture 'em less and less!

Maybe you call our inconclusive claim of victory
"Contradictory,
At best,"
But if you guys are wise,
Memorize
The Party Line,
'Cause it will be on the test!

Consider the facts!
. . . Or not.
It's no-never-mind
To us.
For, after we eliminate dissent, mein Gott!
There isn't a lot
To discuss.

Lyric © 2006 Nathaniel DesH. Petrikov

Like Who Will Buy?, this needs another release and final eight. But that'll come, somehow. Perhaps more Campari is needed.