Timely Reflections in Tax Season

Yesterday, I did a little light reading: the 2005 edition of the instructions for federal form 1040. A laff riot, beginning with "Do You Have to File?" It takes the IRS two thirds of page 12 to say, "Yes. You do." That tickled me. Then I hurled the goddam booklet against the wall as hard as I could.

Many IRS instructions and publications word it this way: "Who Must File." (To which the quick answer is, "Look in the mirror.") As that phrase revolved in what passes for a mind in my neck of the woods, it set itself to music, and last night and this morning, the rest of the song followed—to the tune of Who Will Buy? from Lionel Bart's musical Oliver! (Mr. Magoo appears again here; if I'm not careful, he's going to become my King Charles's Head.)

Who must file? It isn't Bugs Bunny,
Gomer Pyle, or Mr. Magoo.
Shout, "Siegheil!" and cough up the money,
So Uncle Sam can spy on you.

That's how we wage the War on Terror,
And that's how we will win—
So make it payable to "bearer"
And mail your paycheck in!

Sure, it's vile, this snooping and prying.
Try to smile, and do it with style;
All the while, your freedom is dying.
It's tragic, but it's true: the Feds are out to screw
The poor schlimazels who must file.

Lyric © 2006 Nathaniel DesH. Petrikov